


A little bit lost, a little bit loved

by skylinehorizon



Series: Best Friends 'verse [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Blind Character, Camping, Coming of Age, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 10:29:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skylinehorizon/pseuds/skylinehorizon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At fifteen years old, Dean and his friends go on a camping trip. What follows are arguments, make-ups, break-ups, and a little bit of self-discovery. AU, blind!Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A little bit lost, a little bit loved

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: contains masturbation scene of a character who is fifteen. This is why there is an 'underage' warning and the fic is rated 'Explicit'. If you would like to avoid this, skip the scene surrounded by line breaks. 
> 
> All others scenes are rated PG-13/Teen.

 

It happens very gradually. The first seed of awareness blossoms in the spring. 

He wonders, sometimes, what his mom would have thought of Dean. Whether she would have seen what an intelligent, charming person he is, and whether she’d find him funny.  

He wonders if she was beautiful. Whether, if he were to trace his fingers across her face, there would be a smile there. He likes to think there would be.

Castiel wonders how she’d feel about this. What her reaction would be if Cas told her how he’s started to feel about his best friend. Or perhaps he’d keep it a secret, like he is now, locked away, warm and growing in the centre of his chest. He’s never been in a situation like this before, but he knows how it sometimes goes. He’s not going to risk putting their friendship on the line, and so he’s going to settle with the wonderful thing they already have and leave it be. 

Still, sometimes it is difficult. Like Dean’s fifteenth birthday, for instance, where they fall asleep curled up in front of the television, and Cas wakes with his head embarrassingly close to Dean’s lap. It’s difficult when their skin casually brushes together - so much more rarer now that they’re older. Gone are the days of Dean unselfconsciously slipping his fingers through Cas' in a busy street to keep him close. If they do touch it will be a brush of skin by accident, or in the middle of the night, where Dean feels less vulnerable in the darkness. Cas doesn’t mind, a great deal. It makes it easier to stop himself getting so close, at least.    

It’s good, for a while. It’s safe. Until the day comes that Dean gets his first girlfriend. 

 

 

 

 

 

***

Dean sits opposite his father at the kitchen table, two mugs of coffee between them. John is assessing him, hands clasped together. 

Carefully, Dean says, “Two nights?”

“One,” John responds, without missing a beat. “That’s the final offer.”

“Fine, _fine._ ”

Dean mentally fist-pumps. 

 _“_ There are conditions.”

“Shoot.”

“You tell us exactly where you’re going. You keep your cell on at all times. You give us the numbers of all your friends who are going so we can talk to their parents, and, finally, you look after your brother.”

Dean sits up straight. “What? No. Sam’s not coming!”

“Those are the conditions.”

Dean bites his tongue. It’s taken them a long time to even agree to the _idea_ of a camping trip, and to prove he’s _responsible._ He doesn’t want to ruin it, not now.

“Fine,” he says. “Sammy can come. He’s not sharing a tent with me, though.”

John smiles, just slightly. “You can sort that out amongst yourselves. You watch out for him though, understood?”

“‘Course, I will.”

“Good.”

That evening Dean calls Cas to tell him the good news, followed by Jo, Chuck, and Lisa. They set the date for Saturday, which gives them the rest of the week to prepare. They've been talking about a camping trip for a long while, a place to sit and talk and ignore school and responsibility for an evening or two. And now they're finally going through with it.

 

 

 

 

 

***

Dean is an idiot sometimes. Sam realizes that, despite being four years younger, sometimes he’s the more mature of the two of them. He’s not being arrogant or anything, he just can’t _believe_ how dense Dean is being. 

He had been sitting in the living room two days prior when Dean had come in with his friend, Lisa, beside him, and they had been holding hands and told Sam they were dating. Lisa had looked all happy and Dean looked half bewildered and half happy himself. She had stayed for dinner and they only stopped holding hands when it was time for Lisa to leave.

“Dean,” Sam had said with a sigh, again feeling like the older brother talking to his kid brother who doesn’t have a clue. It often feels like that. “Could you be any more stupid?”

More often than not, bluntness is the only way forward when talking to Dean. 

Dean had turned to him and given him an expression of sincere confusion. “What are you talking about? Don’t you like her?”

Sam had let out another frustrated sigh and turned around and retreated back into his room because if Dean could be that _dense._

And now they’ve just arrived in the middle of nowhere, and it’s him and Dean, Cas, Lisa, Jo, and Chuck all trying to set up tents for a short camping trip. Sam wasn’t there when Dean told Cas about Lisa, but he’s not an idiot, and even though Cas is hiding it, Sam can tell he’s upset. The guy acts like Dean’s the most important person in the world, and he can kind of understand how going from holding Cas’ hand all the time, even if it was supposedly in a helpful way, to holding Lisa’s all the time has got to be a kick in the teeth. And unexpected to say the least.

It seems Sam’s not the only one who’s noticed, because Jo’s been sticking by Cas more and occasionally glaring at Dean, but, as per usual, Dean hasn’t really noticed and is currently too busy trying to get the camping stove set up to pay any attention.

“Hey, dude,” he says, turning to wave Sam over. "Come over and help me with this.” 

Sam drops his duffel bag and walks on over. From the other side of the small circle they’ve dumped their bags in, he sees Chuck struggle with the tent poles for the second tent and then trip over the guide-ropes for the first. Jo sighs and walks over to help, leaving Cas standing awkwardly with his bag at his feet and Lisa setting up the sleeping bags in the first tent, which, apparently, is going to be hers and Dean’s. 

Sam realizes he’s going to be the one sharing a tent with Cas, and he loves the guy, but he feels a bit sorry knowing that Cas is going to be spending the night with the wrong Winchester. 

“Dean, stop being stupid,” Sam says, turning back to the camping stove, and swats Dean’s hands away so he can finish setting it up. Dean shrugs and stands up. He walks over to Cas and gently puts a hand on his shoulder. Sam tries to make it look like he’s not watching, and this is what he doesn’t understand. Now dating Lisa, Dean _still_ treats Cas like he’s the only person in the world for him. He treats him like his dad treats his mom and vice versa. Sam shakes his head and turns away. This is so not his problem.

They finally get the tents set up, and they all throw their bags into their respective tents for the night, Jo good-naturedly groaning when she finds out she’s sharing with Chuck. 

“You snore,” she accuses. 

Chuck frowns at her and crosses his arms over his chest. “I don’t snore. _Dean_ snores.” 

“Hey,” Dean says, around a mouthful of potato chips. “That’s not true.”

“Don’t lie,” Sam says, pulling out a box of sandwiches from his bag. Dean watches what he’s doing and rolls his eyes at him.

“Shut up, Sammy. Your opinion doesn’t count.”

“It’s not _opinion,_ Dean. You actually snore!”

“Sam’s right,” Cas offers, opening a can of soda. It fizzes and spills a little from the top. “You do snore.”

Dean huffs and drops the bag of potato chips onto the floor and rubs his hands over his jeans. Lisa raises her eyebrows but remains silent. “You’re supposed to be on my side, Cas.”

Cas takes a sip of his drink and doesn't say anything, and Dean hits him lightly on the shoulder. 

They finally get the stove working and cook some spaghetti, pouring it into plastic bowls and tin cups. Dean manages to get a semi-decent fire burning and they sit on the ground together, leaning back against their bags. 

“Writing is _hard_ ,” Chuck says enthusiastically, in the middle of a conversation that's turning somewhat into a debate. “English is definitely the hardest subject. There aren't given answers like math. It's not as simple as that.” 

“I don’t think it’s the hardest,” Sam says, taking a sip of his coke. “I like English.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re a nerd, Sammy,” Dean says, smiling fondly. Sam rolls his eyes. 

“Just wait a few years, kiddo,” Jo says. “It’ll get harder.”

She leans forward to ruffle his hair in that annoying way that aunties and grandparents do, and Sam scrunches his face up at her, pulling back.  

“Cas, you awake in there?” Dean asks. He leans forward to peer through the sunglasses Cas is wearing. “It’s not sunny, you know.”

Cas, with surprising accuracy, hits Dean on the back of the head. Everyone starts laughing apart from Dean who’s looking at him incredulously, full-on pouting.

“Jesus, Cas.”

“You _so_ deserved that, Dean,” Sam says, and even Lisa is smiling and laughing softly along with them. She's been unusually quiet, stuck by Dean's side the entire night. 

“I’m sorry, Dean. Did I hurt you?” Cas asks. He’s smirking now, and Sam is glad that Cas is someone who doesn’t always just put up with Dean’s shit like a lot of people do and can actually put him in his place once in a little while. And can hit him with awesome accuracy without being able to see him, which is very cool. 

“How did you do that?” Chuck asks, squinting at Cas like he’s seeing him for the first time. “Do you have a sixth sense or something?”

“No, that was my seventh.”

There’s a moment of silence before everyone starts laughing again and Dean puts his arm around his shoulders. “What happened to that shy little kid who didn’t know what jokes were, huh? I miss him.” 

“You grew up together?” Lisa asks, looking at Dean with interest. Dean smiles and looks fondly back at Cas.

“Yeah, we’ve been friends since we were like, five. Cas was awesome back then.”

“Was?” Jo asks, her eyebrows raised. “You looking to get hit again?”

“No, dude - no. Cas is _still_ awesome. But I knew that you were awesome even when we were five.”

“That’s nice of you, Dean,” Cas says. He says it with sincerity and Dean grins at him. Lisa is staring at Dean with an odd expression on her face and it’s almost embarrassing to see, because that could be _jealously._ Sam turns his eyes away, looks over at Jo instead who’s watching with interest. 

“So,” Chuck says, a little abruptly. He stands up and walks over to the food stash. “Who’s up for roasting marshmallows?”

Sam lets out a long breath and chimes in with everyone else to agree.  

 

 

 

 

***

It’s past midnight when they retreat to their tents. Sam is sharing the 3-man pop-up tent with Cas, so it’s not so bad. There’s enough room for both of them, easy, and he likes Cas so he’s fine with the arrangement.  

But Sam just can’t _not_ say anything, because Cas really is a friend, and he’s pretty sure Dean is being a bit insensitive towards him. So, as per usual, it’s up to him to sort Dean’s shit out. 

“Cas?” he says, voice quiet. He turns over in his sleeping back and leans on one arm to look at him. 

“Yes, Sam?” 

“Are you okay?” he asks softly. He can hear the murmur of talk from the other two tents but it’s quiet. He can’t distinguish any words from the hum of crickets in the warm night, and the rustle of Cas' sleeping bag as he rolls to face him.  

“Of course,” he says.

“I mean, with you and Dean. Dean and Lisa.”

There’s a pause that seems to stretch on and on until Cas says, “Oh.” 

Sam raises his eyebrows at that but doesn’t say anything, just waits until Cas is ready to speak again. 

Softly, he says, “I didn’t think I was quite that obvious.” 

“Dude, I’ve been thinking you two have been dating since I was born. Seriously, man, this has come as a shock to me as much as I’m sure it has to you.”

“Lisa’s nice,” Cas says as a way of reply, but although the words are soft they sound strained, as if Cas is having a hard time getting them out. Sam feels like hitting _both_ of them now, because they can’t seriously be this oblivious. 

“Yeah, yeah. She’s nice, doesn’t mean anything. _You’re_ the one he spends all his time around.”

“Dean is just being...”

“Cas, don’t you dare say the word _nice_ or _polite_ because Dean doesn’t exactly hang out with people out of pity or even kindness. Dean spends all his time with you because he _likes_ you.” 

“Not in that way, Sam.”

Sam shakes his head in the darkness. “I don’t think that’s true. I just don’t think he’s realized it yet. I think he’s more blind than you are, you know.”

There's a pause and then Cas huffs a laugh. “Thanks, Sam.” 

“Don’t mention it.”

 They fall back into silence, and this time it feels less strained, somehow. Sam hopes tomorrow Cas and Dean will be able to finally  _talk_ and sort things out. 

 

 

 

 

*** 

Dean isn’t really sure how this happened. Lisa is lying beside him, her hand in his, and she’s staring at him expectantly, and Dean isn’t really sure what she wants. Well, he has an idea. Like, kissing, right? Except Dean’s not really sure he wants to kiss her, and he’s sort of bummed out he’s not sharing a tent with Cas, because that’s what feels normal. This definitely doesn’t feel normal. 

Lisa had come up to him at school last week and straight out said, “I like you, Dean. Go out with me?”

And Dean liked that about her, liked the fact she didn’t spend ages giving hints and waiting for Dean to ask, because he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have. So he had said yes, just on principal of the thing, and at first it turned out to be not so bad. The holding hands is kind of nice, and Lisa’s a cool chick, but he can’t help but think he’s doing everything wrong. She gets this look in his eyes like she’s _waiting_ for something, and Dean isn’t intentionally trying to be a dick, but he’s not really sure what she’s waiting for exactly.

It seems Lisa has had enough of waiting though, because before Dean has had a chance to even process what’s happening, Lisa is pressing her lips against his, and Dean’s eyes are closing and he’s kissing back. It’s nice. Soft, warm, and Lisa’s hand comes up to rest on Dean’s chest. Dean brings his hand up against the back of Lisa’s head, and is momentarily surprised at how long her hair is, and he isn’t quite sure why. 

They break apart and Lisa smiles at him. She kisses him once more before saying, “Night, Dean,” and lies down beside him. Dean waits a minute and then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, the saliva sticky on his lips. So, that’s kissing. 

He relaxes into his sleeping bag, and Lisa slides her fingers through his again. Dean listens to the murmur of his friends talking from their tents and lets it lull him to sleep.  

 

 

 

 

***

The next morning Jo is up first to start making breakfast and Sam gets up to help her, carefully stepping over Cas to not wake him. They get the camping stove going in an amiable silence and Sam relaxes into it, enjoying the fresh morning air and the chirping birds.

“Sleep well, Sam?” Jo asks, getting a couple of slices of bread out of her bag to toast.

“Yeah, wasn’t too bad actually,” Sam says, voice low to not wake the others. He wonders whether he should mention the thing about Cas to her, about how he essentially came out to him last night about Dean, and Sam is pretty sure he must be the only one who knows. 

But the decision is taken out of his hands, when Jo says, in a quiet voice, “How’s Cas doing? Is he handling Dean's thing with Lisa okay?”

Surprised, he says, “He’s okay, I think. I don’t think he’s really _happy_ about it, though. He doesn’t think Dean likes him in that way or something.” 

It doesn’t feel like a betrayal of trust, not really. Sam knows Jo loves Cas as a brother and wouldn’t hurt him or do anything rash to disrupt the situation, and, somehow, she had already known.

“They’re both idiots,” Jo says. “I mean, Lisa’s nice, but I don’t think she’s exactly what your brother wants.”

“About that,” Sam says, and puts the plates he was holding on the floor. Jo stares at him expectantly and waits for him to continue. “Does this mean that Dean’s... gay?”

“Gay, bi, something like that, I guess. The only person who would know is Dean, right?”

Sam looks towards the quiet tent that him and Lisa are sharing. “Or not,” he says.

“Or not,” Jo agrees. "It might take him a little bit of time." 

 

 

 

 

***

 

The morning passes in a blur of burnt toast, trying to dismantle tents and laughing together in the early morning sunshine. 

“I want a photo!” Jo says. “Everyone get together.”

Dean heads towards Cas and pulls him close, swinging an arm around his shoulder. Lisa sidles up close beside him, and the rest of them crowd around the three of them, Jo running back from the camera that's balanced on a rock. It's on a self-timer, and she only just manages to get into the photo and smile before it's taking a shot. 

After the shutter clicks they fall apart, Jo confirming with a thumbs up that it was a successful photo. They continue packing up at a comfortable pace while they wait for their lifts to arrive.  

"Here, let me help you with that," Dean says, kneeling down next to Cas. He pulls the cooking pots out that were haphazardly shoved in, and rearranges them so they can fit, before holding it down while Cas pulls the cord and zips it up. Cas' hair is in disarray, sticking up at all angles, and Dean smiles to himself. 

"Thanks," Cas says. 

"It's cool," Dean says, giving Cas' shoulder a quick squeeze. 

They're interrupted by the shrill ring of Dean's cellphone, and Dean answers it to his mom telling him she's here. Dean, Sam, Lisa and Cas get into her car, and leave as Ellen turns up to take Jo and Chuck. 

The ride back is relaxed, soft music playing in the background, and when they get back they all collapse on the living room floor, Mary bringing them peanut butter cookies. They take them gratefully and wait for Lisa's dad to come and pick her up. 

Dean hands Cas a cookie and Cas takes it, smiling as it crumbles around his mouth. "Your mom's cookies are the best."

"Thank you, Cas," Mary says, walking into the room. 

A car horn honks outside, and Lisa stands up, picking up her bag. "That's my dad. Thanks, Mrs Winchester. See you."

Dean stands up to show her out, and they share a quick kiss at the door. Lisa throws a wide smile at him, and then Dean shuts the door behind her. He walks back into the living room and sits down between Sam and Cas, and they watch television together in easy companionship.   

 

 

 

 

***

A few days after the camping trip, Dean's in his bedroom with Cas. They’re listening to music together on his laptop when there's a knock on his door.

"Yeah?"

Dean’s dad comes into the room holding the phone. “It’s for you,” he says, handing it over. “Lisa.”

Dean takes it and looks over at Cas, ready to whisper an apology, but Cas is lying back on the bed with his eyes closed, having already muted the laptop. He just puts the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“ _Dean, hey!”_ she says, her voice bright and bubbly. “ _Are you up to much?”_

He glances back to Cas and then shrugs. “Not a lot. Nothing important. Just hanging out with Cas. Why?”

“ _Oh -- well. I was going to invite you around, but if you’re busy...”_

She pauses as if waiting for Dean to say something, but he’s not sure what she wants to hear so he stays silent.

After a moment, she says, “ _Anyway. That’s okay. How about we go see a movie or something Friday night?”_

“Sure, sounds good,” Dean says, sitting down next to Cas. He pulls the laptop from where it was balancing on Cas' stomach. Cas doesn’t say anything, just puts his hands behind his head and stays lying down. 

“ _Great. My dad can gives us a lift if you come around at about seven?”_

“Yeah, I can do that,” Dean says, distracted, as he types into the YouTube search bar. “See you then.”

“ _I’ll see you then, Dean. Bye!_ ”  

“Bye,” Dean says, ending the call and chucking the phone onto the bed. He puts his hand over Cas’ leg and shakes him a little. “Dude, you asleep?”

“No, I’m awake,” he says, opening his eyes and moving to a sitting position. 

“Good, ‘cause you gotta check this song out. I know you like the moody, weird shit, like Moogie--”

“Mogwai.”

“Yeah, whatever, but check out this Zeppelin song.”

“I think I have to go, actually,” Cas says, sliding off the bed. Dean snaps his head up and frowns at him.

“What? No. You’ve only been here an hour. Stay and chill out, man.”

Cas smiles at him, but it’s brief and strained. “I’ve got to go.”

Dean puts the laptop down and stands in front of him. He rests a hand on his arm to let him know he’s there. “Hey, you okay, Cas? You seem a little... off.”

“Just tired,” he says, and reaches his hand out to Dean’s bedside table to get his sunglasses. He knocks Dean’s iPod to the floor and frowns, running a hand through his hair, frustrated. Dean watches him, can tell he’s agitated about something, but isn’t sure what. “Sorry.”

“No worries,” Dean says, picking up the sunglasses and handing them to him. “Here. Sorry, I’ve got a lot of shit on there.” 

“Thanks,” Cas says, and puts them on. He walks over to the door and picks up his cane that’s balancing against the dresser. “I’ll see you another time.”

“Yeah, you bet,” Dean says, watching him leave, still feeling very, very confused and a little anxious. He stays in that position, thinking it over until he hears the front door close. 

 

 

 

 

***

  
Friday night rolls around quickly, most of the week spent studying, with only a couple of evenings spent with Cas. Dean is choosing a shirt to wear for his date with Lisa when Sam barges into his room.

“Jesus, Sammy! Knock before entering.”

Sam rolls his eyes and sits down on Dean’s bed. “Cas is downstairs,” he says, picking up one of Dean’s t-shirts to look at it. He scrunches his face up, and then drops it back onto the bed. “ _Someone_ forgot to tell him you’re on a date tonight.”

“Oh.” Dean says, running a hand through his hair. “ _Oh._ Shit.”

“Yeah,” Sam says, frowning at him. 

“Okay, can you go tell him--”

“No way, Dean. _You_ can tell him.” Sam stands up and walks out the room, leaving the door wide open. Dean glares at his retreating back. 

“Wimp,” Dean mutters. He stares at the shirts for a long moment before deciding he can just go in what he’s wearing, and chucks the shirts into a heap at the bottom of his closet. There are footsteps at his door, and he turns to see Cas walking in, cane in one hand and his bag slung over his shoulder.

“Hey, man,” Dean says, feeling guilt stir in his gut. 

“Hey,” Cas says brightly. He walks over to sit on the bed. “I brought a new film with me. Gabriel is lending it to me. It’s got audio description, but I’ve never seen it--”

“Cas,” Dean interrupts, walking over to him. “Look, I’m really sorry, but we can’t do this tonight.”

Cas frowns and slips his sunglasses into his pocket. “What? Why?”

Dean tries to tear his eyes away from Cas’ hurt look. For some reason he doesn’t want to tell Cas the truth, but he charges onwards anyway. “I’ve got a date. With Lisa.”

Cas' expression changes into a mask of blankness and it’s so quick and immediate that Dean feels a little unnerved by it.

He slowly stands up off the bed and takes his sunglasses back out. “Yes, of course. I’ll see you next week, then. Enjoy your date with Lisa.” 

"Cas, wait--"

Cas pauses at the door and Dean struggles for something to say. 

"Are you okay?" he finally asks. 

"I'm fine. Goodbye, Dean."

Dean watches as Cas slowly descends the stairs and Dean runs a frustrated hand through his hair, sure he's fucked up somehow and not entirely sure how to fix it.  

 

 

 

 

 

***

Dean's surprised to find how much he enjoys his date with Lisa. She's relaxed and entertaining, and likes the same sort of movies as him. They find mutual ground on music, and at no point does he feel stressed out or anxious. They get hot dogs together and eat them with a bucket of popcorn between them, and each with a cup of coke. They both enjoy the slightly crappy horror movie, and have fun tearing it apart afterwards. 

Sometimes, Lisa holds his hand, and although it feels awkward when their hands get hot and sweaty, or when Dean wants two hands to eat, it's okay. It's nice, even. 

After their date - which felt more like two friends going out than anything, it was that easy - Lisa says they should do that again some time, and Dean wholeheartedly agrees.  

They kiss, easy and sweet, on Lisa's front porch and Dean walks the rest of the way home feeling pretty content with it all. 

He wishes it weren't so late, so he could go around to Cas' and talk to him. He misses him. They've both been busy recently, and Cas has been studying a lot. It sucks, sometimes, to not be able to text Cas, or get in contact with him without waking up the rest of his house. He promises himself that next week they're going to spend some more time together, and he'll take the opportunity to tell Cas he's sorry he's been an ass, and make up for ditching on him. 

 

 

 

 

***

Castiel spends the weekend in a haze of studying and spending time with his family. 

He spends Sunday morning at church, and when he comes knocking, tells Dean he's busy with Anna for the rest of the day. Castiel is sure Anna wants to ask questions, but she indulges him, and they bake and decorate cupcakes together. 

Monday lunchtime, Cas is sitting alone. He's not sure where Dean is, but guesses he must be with Lisa. Cas pushes the idea away and tries his hardest not to think about it. 

"Castiel? Hi. Hello."

Cas turns his head towards the voice and looks in what he thinks is the person's general direction. He puts down his drink. "Sorry, I don't recognize your voice."

"Richard. Richard Taylor? I'm in your English class."

Cas knows him, sort of. He doesn't speak up much, but when he does his comments are intelligent. Thoughtful. 

Cas offers him a smile. "Hi, Richard." 

The table moves slightly as he sits opposite Cas and puts his own tray down. Once he's sat, he asks, "How are you?" 

"I'm well. How are you?"

"I'm great," Richard says.

Cas waits, patiently, for what he expects is the point of this conversation. They've never really  _talked,_ at least not like this, and he's sure it must be leading somewhere. 

Richard clears his throat. "Hey, uh... Cas? Do you want to, maybe, hang out sometime?" 

He sounds nervous, stumbling over his words, and Cas is a little confused, because they've definitely never done that before. They're not even really friends. 

"Okay," Cas says, for lack of having anything else to say, and not wanting to be rude. He feels a brush against his hand and Richard's fingers curl around his forearm.

"Great," he says, and Cas can hear the happiness in his voice, and something almost like relief. There’s a smile in his voice. "Are you free tonight?"

Castiel realizes what this is, now. It makes him want to smile, even if he isn't interested. 

He's about to say no, tell him that he always hangs out with Dean after school, but with a sinking feeling in his gut he remembers Lisa and finds himself agreeing before he has time to give the decision any thought.

"You can come around mine for dinner, if you wish," Cas says on a whim. Richard's hand gives a slight squeeze to his forearm.

"Yes. Yeah, that'd be great. Do you wanna meet somewhere after school?" 

"The front entrance," Cas says. "Then we can walk back."

"Great," Richard says, pulling his hand away from Cas' arm. His voice sounds warm, and Cas smiles towards it. "I'll see you then."

 

 

 

 

***

When the school bell rings to signal the end of the day, Cas makes his way towards the front gate of the school. He waits there with his cane in one hand and the other fiddling with the strap of his backpack. 

People brush past him and talk to each other, laughing and calling out, saying their goodbyes. Cas wishes Dean was here beside him, always a comforting presence, but he quells the thought as soon as it’s there and tries to swallow down the hurt, tight sensation that settles in his throat. 

"Castiel?" 

Cas turns towards Richard's voice and smiles at him.

"Hi," he says. "Are you ready to leave?"

"Sure," Richard says. From the direction of his voice Cas can tell he's slightly taller than him, like Dean, but he doesn't know much else, wonders if it would be strange to ask. 

They start walking along the path and it's silent in a way that Cas isn't used to, like it never is with Dean, and Cas tries to shake the thought from his mind, because this isn't about Dean, and he doesn't want to think about him. 

"So, do you live far from school?" Richard asks, breaking Cas' thought process. 

"It's about a ten minute walk," Cas says, "A bit less than that I think if I'm hurrying."

"Huh. It's awesome how you... I mean, if I'd..."

It's then he realizes that the awkwardness between them is because Richard is nervous. He smiles, because that calms people down, and he knows what Richard is getting at.

"You're allowed to talk about it, you know. Or ask questions about being blind. I don't mind."

"Sorry," Richard says in a rush of air. "I'm bad at this."

He laughs slightly and Cas smiles, feeling as the pavement dips and he stops, listening for cars before stepping off the curb -- 6 steps forward -- and then steps back up again. 

"So, how do you know which way to go?" Richard asks, keeping pace beside him. 

"Practice," Cas says, remembering when he'd first started at the school and he'd walked the route a few times at the weekends with Anna or Michael to learn it. "And my cane."

"So you just _know_ when to turn left or whatever?"

"Sure," Cas says. "I count steps if I need to. I know this route well though. Twenty-two steps before we turn right and cross the road."

"That's awesome," Richard says. 

Cas isn't sure how to respond to that, because it's always been like this and he doesn’t know anything else. He's grateful the roads are quiet around here, just neighborhood streets with only a few cars. 

They keep up an easy conversation, and the periods of time where there are silence are easy to overcome with casual questions. Cas finds out that Richard wants to be a photographer when he's older and that he likes to read. Books are an easy topic of conversation, and it passes the time quickly. 

"Here we are," Cas says, walking towards the front door. He opens it and steps inside, hears as Richard shuts the door behind him and starts to shrug off his bag. 

"Use any of the hooks to hang anything up," Cas says. "Your shoes can go by the edge of the wall."

"Thanks," he replies. 

"And who's _this_?"

Cas sighs and takes off his sunglasses, slipping them into his pocket. "Gabriel this is Richard, Richard meet my annoying brother, Gabriel." 

"Hi," Richard says, all polite. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Gabriel says, in a tone that Cas very much does not trust. 

They walk through into the living room, and Cas heads towards the stairs. He feels a hand on his chest, stopping him.

"Hold it, Cas," Gabriel says. "I haven't had a chance to speak to your new friend yet."

"That was the aim," Cas replies, dryly. 

"Leave them alone," Anna's voice calls from the kitchen. "Stop being a pest and come help me with dinner." 

Gabriel's hand falls from Cas' chest. "We'll talk later at dinner, then."

Cas leads Richard up the stairs and to his bedroom and flicks on the light. 

"Sorry about my family," Cas says, flopping down onto the bed. 

 Richard laughs. "That's okay. Mine are the same. I have three sisters, so I know what big families are like."

 "I doubt any of them are as annoying as Gabriel," Cas says. He feels as the bed slightly dips as Richard sits beside him. 

"Maybe not. But when I was younger I had to attend several imaginary tea parties in fairy costume, so I guess there are pros and cons to both."

Cas smiles. "I guess that's true, then."

A long moment stretches between them and Cas shifts on the bed.  

"Can I...?" He reaches his hand up and places his palm on Richard's cheek. He feels as Richard nods beneath his hand. He traces his fingertips over his cheek and along his jawline, before moving up towards his forehead and down his nose. 

He pulls back with a smile. "Sorry. It's just nice to get an idea of who I'm talking to."

"It's fine," Richard says, sounding slightly breathless. "It's fine, Cas." 

 Cas smiles at him again, and leans forward into the small space that separates them. 

 

 

 

 

***

Dean decides it's time to properly apologize to Cas. He was stuck talking to Professor Moseley at lunch, and he couldn't find Cas after school. Cas must have left early or something, because he stuck around for a while and Cas still never showed up. So now he's going over to Cas', and he's going to tell Cas how sorry he is for acting like a disinterested dick recently. 

Michael answers and waves him inside absently, his eyes scanning a wad of paper in his hand. Dean eyes it sympathetically and runs up the stairs to Cas' room. 

He knocks three times before opening the door, takes two steps inside, and freezes. Cas and Richard Taylor are _kissing._

“Oh my God,” Dean blurts out. 

They're already pulling apart, bodies and mouths clumsy. Richard looks over at him, his cheeks flushed pink.

“Dean,” he says, sounding strained, and looks back over at Cas, who’s sitting there silently, a calm expression on his face. 

Dean is having trouble processing the scene in front of him. “What? I... You’re -- _kissing_.”

“Is there a problem, Dean?” Cas asks, turning his head in the direction of the doorway where Dean is standing. 

Dean is pulled back to reality by the coolness of Cas’ tone. 

“I just didn’t expect it,” Dean says, for lack of knowing what else to say. 

An awkward silence stretches between them. 

“I guess, um...” Dean takes a step backwards and awkwardly points towards the door. “I’ll leave you guys to it. I’ll, er, see you later, Cas. Richard.”

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas says.

Dean walks out of the room and shuts the door behind him, letting out a heavy breath as he does. 

He walks downstairs and comes face to face with Gabriel. He's leaning by the hallway that leads to the front door and cocks an eyebrow at Dean once Dean is standing in front of him. 

“Honestly. The two of you are as dumb as shit.”

“Leave it, Gabriel,” Dean says, brushing past him. 

Gabriel watches him go without saying anything else.

Once outside he feels like he can breathe easier again, but can't ignore the tight, twisted knot in his stomach. He walks home the long way back, hoping it will ease off the strange feeling in his chest, and retreats to his bedroom for the rest of the night, trying to shake the image of Cas and Richard out of his mind. 

 

 

 

 

 

*** 

The next few days consist of Dean avoiding Cas, and Cas going places he knows Dean won't be. Cas doesn't see Richard very much, content to be alone, and Dean doesn't see Lisa a lot, either. 

Sam thinks they're both idiots.

 

 

 

 

***

 

* * *

 

The thing is, Dean’s very, very confused. Never before has he had the problem not knowing what he likes. Dean is normally the sort of guy who knows without a doubt what he hates - cottage pie, chick flicks, when Sam gets all mopey, and what he loves - apple pie, action movies, Sam’s floppy hair (that one’s a secret). So when Dean finds himself typing, _am I gay?_ into google, he feels very lost and a little bit scared. 

Ever since seeing Cas making out with Richard, and thinking, apart from the overprotective, fiery feeling in his gut (Richard is totally not good enough for Cas), that it looked pretty _hot,_ Dean has been feeling nervous and confused and pretty insecure about everything.  

The first link that comes up is an advice column answering a question sent in by a thirty year old woman. It’s totally not helpful. 

He opens a new tab and decides there’s a simpler way to do this. He’s going to carry out a test. He searches for _gay porn,_ and finds himself on a website full of videos. He slowly scrolls through them, feeling even more lost seeing the categories that are there. There are way too many choices, and Dean settles on one that just features a guy sitting on the couch by himself jerking off. 

He’s pale, with messy hair and toned abs. He’s slowly stroking himself, his other hand tweaking his nipples. Dean shifts in his chair and maximizes the window so it’s full-screen.

The guy moves the hand on his chest up to his mouth and slips two fingers inside and starts sucking on them. Dean can feel himself getting hard, feels his own hand slip down to loosen his jeans. The guy on-screen is moving his hand that was in his mouth down to his balls, and the camera is positioned in such a way that Dean can see everything as he opens his legs. 

He slips a finger behind his balls and starts fucking himself with it, and Dean’s not sure he’s felt this fucking hard in his _life._ The guy has slipped another finger beside the first and he’s rutting down on his fingers, and back up into his hand that’s around his dick, and he comes on-screen, moaning and clenching around his fingers.

Holy _shit._

It doesn’t take long until Dean is jerking himself off and he’s coming in thick, sticky streams over his hand. He comes down slowly, panting, and stares at the screen again.

Well. There's a possibility, Dean thinks, that he isn't as straight as he thought he was.  

 

* * *

  

 

 

 

 

 ***

Dean's been avoiding Lisa, and everyone else, for days. He's been thinking this over, dissecting it in every way, and has finally come up with a decision. He finds Lisa in the cafeteria, and walks over to her. He tries not to look in the corner of the room where he knows Cas will be, and focuses on this instead. 

“Hey, Lis?” Dean asks. "Can I talk to you?"

Lisa says a quick goodbye to her friends and follows Dean out the hall and into the afternoon sunshine. 

He doesn't want to waste any time, and steeling himself, he says, “I’ve got to tell you something.”

Her face suddenly falls and then she lets out a short laugh, shaking her head. 

“I can’t say I’m surprised.”

He frowns at her, confused, feeling his palms get sweaty with nerves, the butterflies swarming in his stomach. “What?”

“You’re breaking up with me, right?”

Dean swallows hard and stares at her for a few moments before looking away.

Lisa hums in agreement. “I thought so.”

“I’m so sorry,” Dean says, looking back towards her again. “We're great as friends, and I love hanging out with you. It’s totally not you, I’m just…”

“Save it,” Lisa says, smiling at him. Dean snaps his mouth shut, feeling lost. “Look, Dean. You’re a great guy. You’re going to make someone happy, but I can tell it’s not working between us. Your head is somewhere else and your heart isn't really in it.”

Dean lets out a slow breath of relief. 

“You are a fucking awesome girl,” he says. 

Lisa laughs and she nods. “Yeah, I know that.”

They stand there for a few moments until Lisa speaks again.

"Let's just try and keep friends though, okay?"

"Definitely," Dean says, quickly. "Like I said: you're awesome."

She grins at him and Dean smiles back. The tightness in his chest loosens, just a little, and there's just one more person he has to have a conversation with to make things right. 

 

 

 

 

***

Dean finds Cas sitting on his doorstep after school.

"Cas? Are you okay?"

He looks up at Dean and stands, slinging his bag over one shoulder. "Yes, I wanted to... I wanted to come over. Is that okay?"

"Sure. Sure it is, dude. Come on in." 

Dean opens the door and Cas follows him, leaving his shoes in the hallway. They go up to Dean's bedroom and don't talk again until they're both sitting on Dean's bed. 

"I waited for you after school the other day," Dean blurts out. "You weren't there, so I waited some more, but you were with Richard. I mean -- I'm saying this all wrong." He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. "I'm sorry I walked in on you two."

"It's okay," Cas says, looking uncomfortable. 

Nothing more is said on the subject. 

“So, I broke up with Lisa,” Dean says, trying to break the awkward silence between them.

Cas looks surprised, and he shifts his body towards him. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

He doesn’t sound cold towards him anymore, but Dean still feels out of place and shitty and not sure what he should or shouldn’t be saying.

“It’s okay. We weren’t working. I don’t think I really wanted to date her in the first place.” He pauses and clears his throat. “How are you and Richard?”

“We’re not dating, Dean. We were never dating.”

“Oh,” Dean says, not sure how to answer that. “I’m sorry?”

Cas smiles at him. “I’m not.”

Dean lets out a slight laugh and shakes his head. “Sorry I freaked out. I just didn’t expect to walk in and see you kissing him. I mean, Richard is a douche.”

“He’s not so bad.”

“Totally not good enough for you, Cas.”

He realizes too late what he’s said but Cas is smiling at him, and like that it feels like the tension that's been surrounding them recently is gone. 

"We've been idiots," Dean says, and Cas grins at him.

"We have." 

"I'm sorry for putting a girl before you, Cas. I didn't realize what I was doing. You're my best friend, man, and I don't want anyone or anything to get in front of that."

Cas smiles and lets his head drop, resting it on Dean's shoulder. He lets out a soft sigh and Dean wraps an arm around him, giving him a quick, tight squeeze. Cas sits back up again and says, "I'm sorry, too."

Dean clears his throat. "Alright, well before we start crying on each other's shoulders, how about we watch a movie or something? I'll let you choose."

Cas stands up and walks towards the DVD shelf. "Alright. Come tell me what each one of them is, then." 

Dean follows him and sits down next to his best friend on the floor, their knees knocking together. 

_fin._

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you skipped the scene between line breaks, you missed a little plot point: Dean has started to question his sexuality and is starting to think he's not straight. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting, sharing etc.; it means a lot. If there are particular ages you'd like to see these boys at please say. Otherwise, I'll continue writing them as they progress through the years. <3


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